The Midnight News 5.23.01 

Posted By Hyatte on 05.23.01

Torn tendons, Torn muscles, Torn opinions, Dusty, 411 Guest Column pitch, locker room justice, and another visit from the Tonk 

Plenty of news tonight. Oh, and I'd just like to say that this year's Season Finale of NYPD Blue was particularly strong. That's saying a lot from me, who still thinks the first season with David Caruso was the BEST!!

RAWING ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING MY ASS OFF

You know what... I missed the whole damn show. I had the TV on the wrong channel after setting the VCR. For two hours I got the damn Anne Franke story.... I won't ruin the surprise ending for you.

Universally, the show kicked booty. Even Bob Ryder loved it, (and honestly, even at his worst Bob didn't exactly lament over Nitro's brilliance). Across the boards, netwide, the show rocked. Word has it that Scott Keith finally achieved his first orgasm.

The ratings were incomplete because of that damn Mother's Day holiday, but the primary numbers has the show doing a 4.0 and a 4.4 share off each hour, averaging out to a paltry 4.2. Let's hope they simply stay the course and not panic. Slow and steady wins the race here.... stay tuned for some more worthless clichés.

I say, take the HHH injury and use it to sell Benoit and Jericho as the "Heel Killers"! Make Austin sweat a little. I have no idea what I am rambling on about.

What I would LIKE to know is... didn't Benoit and Jericho BOTH get main event slots LAST year? Benoit got a shot at the Rock and Jericho got a shot at HHH. How come everyone has seemed to have forgotten this? Maybe I should "Ask 411"?

ON A KNEE TO KNOW BASIS

So, yesterday, Meltzer jumped the gun and said that 75% of HHH's tendon was torn. 

Later on, Keller said, "BullSH**" and said that it was REALLY a "torn quadricep". Then he called Meltzer a "dunderhead" for his shoddy reporting.

Still later.... Scherer announced that it was either a torn tendon, or a torn quadricep.... but either way, it's a bad mother of an injury. Dave was no doubt smiling at how he got to weasel in on this "Big Three" debate without risking being wrong.

Finally, Meltzer admitted that it's a torn quadricep. Thus, the score is Scherer 1, Keller 1, and Meltzer -1. Hyatte 5000000000000000

EVEN IN TREMENDOUS PAIN HE CAN STILL GIVE INTERVIEWS 

Before being loaded up in the ambulance, HHH took the time to speak to WWF.com. Of course, he never got into these asswipes who are screaming about glass ceilings and such, but he did give a pretty lengthy interview.

-He said that he's happy with himself for finishing the match and not looking like a cripple after the injury happened.

-He said that when he went to save Austin from the "Walls of Jericho", he tore his muscle when he stomped his foot to sell the punch. (Huh? You mean that the ring doesn't shake from the FORCE OF YOUR PUNCH???)

-He said it felt like being shot. He felt the muscle tear, and then roll up under his skin. (ouch ouch OUCH)

-He said that when he took the Walls of Jericho afterwards, it really felt like the leg was going to come off. He said he felt his tear grow larger. But he wanted to finish the match. (sort of like when you feel the condom rip mid pump.... you ain't gonna just STOP.... f-her. She can take a pill or swallow some bleach or something)

-After the match, he knew he was in deep doo doo. He kept thinking that he was screwed. Apparently, he uses the "F-word" a LOT

-He had the MRI done immediately after the match, still in his ring gear, in fact. He tore the underneath of his quads. Thursday is when he'll have surgery. (Most people need a three week appointment to get their oil changed! HHH IS BEING CODDLED!!! THERE IS A GLASS CEILING AFTER ALL!!!)

-He compared this to his knee surgery from a few years ago. The knee problem was a result of a long running thing. This injury was instantaneous and traumatic. Yesterday, he was the picture of health, now he's on the shelf.

-HHH said that this is not a "message" from God or his body. This just comes with the territory. "We're like thoroughbreds or Formula 1 racecars. We redline all the time. I work to the ultimate of my workload every night. I push my body hard to do the things it does. I've been in the position now where I've been in main event matches that have been very physically demanding for a long period of time. I've been lucky that I've been able to do that and remain injury free. It's playing Russian roulette to a degree. Sooner or later, something happens. I don't see this as a sign or a warning or anything. I'm a young guy. I'm 31 years old. I'm not even near my peak in this business yet. This is not a big deal. It's a bump in the road. I'll be back in a few months and in the grand scheme of things this is not a big deal."

-My God... he's my age... please, someone shoot me in the head.... please.

-He said at first he was VERY pissed.... and he immediately booked Jericho to drop four PPV matches in a row to Molly Holly. But today he has since gotten over it, and shortened the punishment to 2 PPV's and one Jakked.

-He is shooting for four months of recovery time.... says it may be five.... and will consider himself very lucky if it's only three.

-He will look at this as a way to rest his whole body as well as rehab the leg, so he can come back even healthier than when he left. He plans on "rehabbing with a vengeance" And if there's a way to keep these Canadian punks off the top of the card even without him wrestling, by God he's find a way to DO IT!

-He promised that he will show up on TV from time to time.... he will still be an active on-air character.

-No word as to how a torn quad affects the penis.... so there's no need for Stephanie, Lita, Trish, Jacqueline, or Patterson, or various farm animals to pull out their magic wands.... just yet.

I refuse to link up WWF.com.... it gets tens of millions of visitors a day.... they don't need my loser ass.

DEAD PUSH WALKING

The Torch was the first to report (I think) that Vince had to break it to the Undertaker that they would be going with a Jericho push against Austin for King of the Ring. UT had been assuming that he was going to get a rematch. Unfortunately, business is business and this current feud wasn't drumming any.

UT is said to have taken it LIKE A MAN. He was sad and disappointed. A lot of the boys in the locker room gave him a reassuring pat on the back. They all know that he brought everything he had to this storyline. But he understood and accepted it.

That's a CLASS ACT, people.... shame on anyone who trashes him.

SEND THE SONOFABITCH TO WCW!!! Have him show the kids how to act like a PRO!!!

God Bless the Dead Man.

THROUGH ROSS COLORED GLASSES

Jim Ross wrote an emergency addendum to last week's "Ross Report". He did what he was paid to do and sold off Judgment Day as "not as bad as some say". He admitted that it wasn't their best offering, but when his back is against the wall, Jim always goes with the "These boys work their keisters off" line.... which is a damn good approach.

He also said that the WCW launch was coming sooner than any of us can expect. We can now start counting the days. We'll still need all our fingers and most of our toes, but it's going to happen.

What this was is the WWF using their loudest Internet mouthpiece to reassure disgruntled fans that change was afoot and the change was for the better.... without so much as saying those exact words. Basically, this was a large message that said, "It's Okay to Watch the WWF again!" Just so you know.

TEXAS PAYBACK

Scherer says that Bradshaw's double huge monster Powerbombs that he gave to Saturn was a solid "receipt" from the beating Saturn gave that kid. Mike Bell last week. Everyone in the locker room knew it was going to happen, and knew that it was needed. Saturn knew too, and realized that he deserved it too. He agreed to the punishment with honor (as if he was given a choice.... Bradshaw is one tough prick.... and the rest of him is pretty mean too) and was happy to take it. Justice was served, wrong was righted, and everyone was happy.

THIS IS HOW YOU RUN A LOCKER ROOM, PEOPLE!!!! THIS IS WHAT RUINED WCW!!!

Meanwhile, Mike Bell went back to bagging groceries. He still faints whenever he passes by the "Mr. Clean" aisle.

IF YOU WEEEEEL

The "American Dream" Dusty Rhodes decided that the world needs HIS input on how he would run WCW. (Let me guess... DUSTY IN EVERY MAIN EVENT AND FLAIR WINS EVERY MATCH BY THROWING HIS FOE OVER THE TOP ROPE??? ERIK WATTS AND LOTS OF HIM????)

He ran down the list of top guys he'd bring in....

1) Nash because he's smart and he's over

2) Hall because he'd be a great Austin opponent

3) Dustin Rhodes.... figure out why, nitwit

4) Steve Corino managed by Ric Flair. A perfect duo, and Corino would learn a lot at Flair's feet.

5) Tommy Dreamer... untapped potential just ACHING to bust through. 

6) Barry Windham. The tank is not on empty just yet, dagnabbit.

7) Shane Helms because he has great potential

8) Rob Van Dam for no reason

9) Scotty Anton for no reason

10) Diamond Dallas Page for no reason

11) Goldberg for no reason

12) Scott Steiner because he's a great heel

He'd also bring in Francine and Kim Neilson for eye candy. He's put Hudson with Joey Styles on the announce table with either Hall, Nash, and "others" as rotating color men. 

Dusty also said he'd make Hulk Hogan President of the company. he promised that if he got all those eggs together, we would "blow Vince McMahon's ass out of the water!"

So.... what he's saying is.... he's bring back WCW almost exactly as it was when it shut down.... only with Hulk Hogan making all the rules. DAMN!!! WHY DIDN'T ANYONE THINK OF THAT???

Question.... what color is the sky in Dusty's world?

You can thank 1bob for this.

BUT, PLUGS

So, I posted this week's And Another Thing and was told that there was an Internal Error. So I tried again, and again, and again. Same message.

Well, it turns out that the message was in error, and I posted the thing 6 times. Once again, the great Widro is mad at me. Then he goofed on me about my piss poor audience for the "Mop-Up Bonus". Creep. I'm saving this site and this is the thanks I get.

This week's And Another Thing is posted, several times. It's a long one about an old school incident that many of you young squirts may not even remember, but bad ass vets like myself remember it all to well.... it's a look at what happened and how it affected the careers of two wrestlers forever. It's a long one. I hope you like it. You can also check this out, and other viewpoints on The Smarks.

Meanwhile Craig Letawsky has come up with another Ask 411 that answers YOUR questions about wrestling. Please, don't ask Craig any questions about ME... he doesn't know a thing. He can tell you ALL you need to know about the great WIDRO.... so pile on the questions. Barrage him. He loves it.

There's also Josh Nason's great The Fight Club which so far has not even MENTIONED Brad Pitt or Ed Norton!! What gives?

What Josh DID do this week was "channel" Jim Ross and do his column as Good Ol' Jr would do it. It's not a bad impression either. Give 'er a gander.

Finally, since I'm not doing the Mop-Ups this week, I want to pitch this here. I am doing a Guest Column thing here at 411. I spoke about this in the Mop-Up last week, but I wanted to make sure you all understood...

See, I want to see some commentary from the readers.... or other web site writers looking to say something different in a different setting. So, you submit a column to ME at glorydog@msn.com. 

I pick the best one and post it in the Guest column next Monday. 

Do NOT title your column or introduce yourself or spend time talking about who you are. Let the meat of your article do the speaking for you. 

This is NOT a chance at an ongoing gig. However, you can submit a new column each week.... if I see consistently good, quality stuff, I'll talk to Widro about getting you aboard full time.

You have until this Friday to submit. AFTER you see the winner's column posted on Monday morning, THEN you can send in your submission column for NEXT week.

I am not looking for anything in particular... just a unique voice with intelligent thoughts. The sky's the limit here. Okay?

Good. Get cracking. This weekend, I'll review all the submissions and offer notes and opinions if you wish.

Moving on.... HTM gets a day off, so instead let's get some parting, cryptic, vastly entertaining words from...

THE SNAKE IN THE CYBERGRASS

On Shane McMahon:

Ouch! Got to give it to you Shane...! Shane do you understand that you'll never do enough --- in your own mind --- I can identify. That my man will wind up poisoning you my Friend

It took me 4 readings, but I figured out what he was trying to say. The cat's in the cradle, my man.... little boy blue and the man on the moon!

On "Gentleman" Chris Adams:

Chris Adams is selling wrestling rings built for Backyard. In truth, they are guillotines, gas chambers or clockwork dragons, as a miniature ring just waiting to kill or cripple anyone foolish enough to buy one. Our children are padding his pockets. Nothing personal Chris, but this is really sad. Psalm 37. I may never be or have been right, but you are F-----g wrong.

Someone used the "F-Word" in the BIBLE??? Jesus.

Oh... I just CAN'T RESIST!!!!

TAKE US HOME, HONKY

Where is that f**king Piper. The guy that wants all the top guys to give part of their money to a retirement fund for f**ked up wrestlers that didn't manage their money the right way. Where is this a**hole that knocked down $50,000.00 everytime he appeared in WCW? Where is this prick when it is time to step up to the plate. I spoke with Ken Patera yesterday, he still has not got his money. Pay your bills you coke head.

Thank you Honky Tonk Man, for without you.... this news column would be so damn ordinary!

Welp, I'm fresh out of everything. I didn't even get my house cleaned. Dammit.

I'll show up tomorrow with more.... more.... always more!

This news column is starting to be ripped off.... actually, I find it very flattering. Just KEEP YOUR MITTS OFF THE HTM.... EXCERPTS FROM HIS SITE ARE MINE, MINE, ALL MINE!!!!

Try me, and I'll squish you like I did that Canadian pretending to be a feline.

This is Hyatte